Therapy Baby
I started therapy just over a month ago to learn how to cope with the trauma surrounding my sweet Maddie’s death. This last week we focused on the guilt that I am riddled with when I think of taking Maddie to therapy. I am not saying that the entire therapy experience covers me with guilt, but there is a large portion of my intrusive thoughts that make me feel guilty for putting my little girl through some of those sessions.
When Maddie first started therapy at Mary Free Bed, she spent 85% of her sessions sobbing. My heart broke for her every time I heard her angelic wails. I felt torn because I knew she needed the therapy, I knew it was what was in her best interest at the time, and I knew this would be a lifelong battle. As time went on and we found the therapists Maddie adored (Micah, PT and Courtney, OT) the guilt didn’t stop. Anytime we showed up and Maddie had had a rough night of little to no sleep, or she refused to eat breakfast as she often did- I felt guilty. I felt guilty that we often had to make her therapy appointments around our work schedules and not around the time of day that was best for Maddie. I felt guilty that as soon as her sessions were over one of us had to rush her to daycare to get to our respective jobs.
One moment that really makes me feel guilty is a session I remember vividly. Maddie hadn’t slept a wink the night before. She also didn’t nap the whole drive to Grand Rapids. As we arrived at her session and her therapist at the time had all her favorite toys set up Maddie would not stop crying. The therapist and I gave Maddie lots of breaks and love during that session. She eventually stopped crying. Her therapist was giving her one of her many breaks and was rubbing her back to help her calm down. Maddie fell asleep during that session. For a kiddo who never slept this was an amazing feat. I remember wanting to take the therapist home with me so she could always help Maddie fall asleep- but then the guilt set in that I wasn’t the one who could get her to sleep.
Despite all my guilt, I am relearning how to look at Maddie’s therapy sessions as something to be proud of. I remember in the moment I would beam with pride whenever she accomplished a new skill. I remember the first time she figured out how to get herself out of sitting and army crawl to a toy she desired. The first time Micah put her on the treadmill in a harness I giggled with delight and probably snapped 100 photos in that 45-minute session. Maddie was a fighter until her last moments. She always knew how to get what she wanted, and I am so proud she was able to accomplish so much in her short life- despite all the odds against her. I know there are not re-dos in life, but if there was, I probably wouldn’t change a thing about her life as a ‘therapy kid’. One day I will be able to conquer the guilt I am often paralyzed by- but until then I am taking every little guilt-free memory and running with it.
Written by: Nicole Birchmeier
